law and order

it is a strange thing, to be on a jury. to sit in judgment of another. to judge based on a standard determined by 4 men, at least 1 of which knows the truth (in this case all 4 did). to decide "guilty" or "not guilty", and to have those men afterwards say 'good job, you solved the mystery correctly' as if it were all a game of clue with the answers lying in an envelope in the middle of the room.
although we had determined every count, and each one (not including specifiers) went the way I had originally believed, I felt like I was going to throw up when we walked back into the courtroom. to determine another person's fate, and to have your chosen path read to that person in your presence... you will never have that kind of power again.
we spent 4 tedious, strenuous, and exhausting days together. to some extent we remember each other's names. yet there is a bond there that keeps us from readily admitting that we will not be back in that jury room tomorrow, or on monday; in fact, we are likely to never see one another again.
and none of this is even about the case. I want to write all about the case; every feeling I had about it as facts were presented, every juror's thoughts on what was important and how we all reached the same conclusions through different pieces. I am too tired now, but I want to get it all down before I forget, and I know that will come all too soon.
it is a terrible thing to be on a jury, and an amazing one.